I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
She needs sedatives and a leash
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i think my cat just said my name.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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