Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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