The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
