We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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