Will you blow on my dice?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
