It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
