He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
