you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
