i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
