I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
