explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
