coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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