I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
