hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
