im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
