We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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