Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
