so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
