I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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