thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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