I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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