I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
