I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
