i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
