Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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