Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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