Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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