I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like having sex with a tree stump
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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