I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
