I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
