Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize