I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
