Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
