Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
