if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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