now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my phone needs a breathalizer
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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