If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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