i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Fuck appropriateness.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
