I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We need to get me chipped asap
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