i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
