How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
