How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
We smell like vodka and hangover
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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