I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
