I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
