making cat noises will not fix the situation.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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