i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
