My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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