You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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