Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
