Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
