tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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