god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
