I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
