I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
