my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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