I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
