getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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